I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
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i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.