Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
You Might Also Like
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
it is time once again
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Good news