“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
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Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.