i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
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Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.