roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
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If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,