My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
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If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”