A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
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It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Ain’t no way
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.