*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
You Might Also Like
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
im 7 sauces long
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
saw this in a dream
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese