Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
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Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
me and the Superbowl rn
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”