God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
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My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”