President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I’m awake but I object,
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling