what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
You Might Also Like
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.