Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
bought wrong eggs
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.