Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
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You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
this has to be peak English
Body by Oreos
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.