GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
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Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder