[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
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Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”