My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
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Today’s Times
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
The little toadstool has spoken.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
termite twitter scares me