Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
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Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
NASA has no chill
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.