Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
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[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*