I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
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I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.