Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Nothing.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.