I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
i want to work in this restaurant
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Watson was Holmes schooled
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.