Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
You Might Also Like
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.