My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
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Made something I’m not proud of
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!