“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
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I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
😂😂😂
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
TWEET CALL
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(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.