I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
You Might Also Like
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
#growingpains
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?