The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
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Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I really had high hopes for this year though
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.