You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
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dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
🤣
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child