Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
You Might Also Like
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale