Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
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the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*