*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
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Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
A little too much information.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.