suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
My favorite farside!!
How to draw a duck
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?