Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
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Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.