[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
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maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?