A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
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My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Cashiers are always checking me out
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.