If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
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I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes