Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
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“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I think I’m having a stroke