I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
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A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Dammit Chief not again
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.