So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
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today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH