Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
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Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
oh shit
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.