Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
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So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
me: my friends:
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
The only equipped I am is ill.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH