ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
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*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
The Compass
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.