girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
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I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.