For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
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My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I think this cat is broken
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
This bar smells like my childhood.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…