Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
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Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
yeah not falling for this one
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
turning my gender off to conserve energy
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Acronyms got me like WTF?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.