“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.