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My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Who knew!
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs