Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
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chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
This is my brand.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.