5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
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Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My Guy
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.