Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
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Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out